Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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