i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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