I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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