Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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