I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
