babies were throwing up all over the place
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
