Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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