peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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