I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize