who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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