My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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