i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
