At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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