Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize