I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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