If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
