Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
