This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
