can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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