I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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