I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
