I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
