I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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