I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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