ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
