It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize