I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
