It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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