so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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