someone get that fucking seahorse.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
