final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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