omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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