she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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