If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
