1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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