we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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