So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
