Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
