Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
