he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
