You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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