'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
