i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
