chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
