i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
