I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
