I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
