My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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