Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
