Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize