that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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