Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize