The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
