You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
