Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
