in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
