good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
